Opinion » Columnists
Author`s name Alex Naumov

Fartmania: a brief and humorous essay on flatulence

By John Fleming

In German it is a Furz, in French a pet and in Spanish a pedo. The fart is universal, and even Beano and simethicone cannot completely suppress it. I doubt if anyone is immune to gas. Some have been so curious as to classify the flatus: slicers, juicy ones, silent-but-deadly ones. Or farts that come from doughnuts, and so on. The juicy fart is with good reason said to be a real stinker (pun intended). As every fart connoisseur knows, it comes from deep within the rectum, flaps the anus multiple times and then grosses out everyone within nose shot--and those so unfortunate as not to be upwind,--at which time you could ask, do you have that fart on a leash?

Breaking wind is certainly unsociable and embarrassing, but some people cannot help it. One should not fart in an elevator, on an airplane or God forbid in a restaurant. However, the true flatus connoisseur also sometimes, strictly in private, enjoys putting his hand to his butt, letting rip and bringing his hand to his nose for a good wholesome whiff. I myself have seen this. He "gets off," so to speak, on his own fart. I am told that the odor, far from being repulsive and deadly, is aromatic and satisfying. Indeed, we are all immune to our own odors; our own B.O. and halitosis do not bother us, and neither does our own gas. There you have hoist with your own petard!

A note or two on the attempt to get away with a public fart is in order. Some people who fart in public are so embarrassed that they try to ignore it or blame it on someone else. For centuries man's best friend, the poor pet dog, has been abused in this manner. Another tradition is knocking on wood, though in the eagerness to be free of having blasted away, some people get into disputes over what may or may not count as wood, and you hear the plaintive cry, "Did you have to?" Or, "Couldn't you do that outside?" Or, with a red-faced grin, "A sigh is a heave from the heart; if it goes the other way it's a fart." Wives are very wary of serving beans and sauerkraut to their husbands. Verily that could lead to a flatulent time in bed and break up a good marriage.

It is claimed that men fart more than women, but this needs some stipulation. Men do enjoy letting it out and laughing as women suffer. Some feminists have even taken up the cause and advocate an antifart vow in the nuptials ceremony. Men do excel in the quantity and velocity of farting, but women's farts have a unique odor that occasionally makes up for their lack of thunder. They are narrower in the nose, so to speak--or something, since odors are hard to describe. Men, unlike women, are socially permitted to celebrate the fart--to make light of it, to not hold it back and to get a big laugh out of it. The sales of Beano are just a smoke screen; the fart is beloved among men. Blessed art thou who fart; which reminds me of "He who farts in church must sit in his own pew."

In conclusion, the lowly though celebrated fart--out-loud or silent-but-deadly--takes its place in the valhalla of things providing both mirth and disgust.

John Fleming is the author of Word Power: A Dictionary of Fascinating and Learned Words and Phrases for Vocabulary Enrichment. This book may be purchased by phoning 1-800-462-6420.

A year after the constitutional referendum of December 4th, 2016 that saw the victory of the NAY and the blatant defeat of the government front that had proposed the referendum, it can be said with certainty that the trauma for the defeated is now past. But there is still fear in them, not so hidden either...

Italy: Free fall

On December 10, 1948 the Universal Declaration of Human Rights was adopted by the United Nations General Assembly, its thirty articles enshrining basic and fundamental rights guaranteeing dignity of the human person and equality for all, regardless of race, color, creed or gender. A pipe dream?

Human Rights Day: Let us hang our heads in shame
Comments
Why did Donald Trump recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel?
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision
Russia works on MiG-41 doomsday fighter jet
Russia works on MiG-41 doomsday fighter jet
Russia works on MiG-41 doomsday fighter jet
Mikhail Saakashvili's bumpy ride in politics: From chewing his tie to climbing on rooftop
Mikhail Saakashvili's bumpy ride in politics: From chewing his tie to climbing on rooftop
European Court of Human Rights: Promoting filth and insolence
European Court of Human Rights: Promoting filth and insolence
Russian athletes announce their decision about 2018 Winter Olympic Games
Turkish President Erdogan issues ultimatum to Washington and Brussels
Gorbachev names reason behind crisis in US-Russian relations
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision
Human Rights Day: Let us hang our heads in shame
Human Rights Day: Let us hang our heads in shame
Human Rights Day: Let us hang our heads in shame
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision
Pentagon can not accept Russia's victory over terrorists in Syria
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision
Putin makes first comment on Trump's Jerusalem decision