Opinion » Columnists
Author`s name Dmitry Sudakov

America, Land of the Free?

43171.jpegAhhh, in what imaginary realm? Yes, this is an enduring myth, just like the one about Americans being freedom loving, even though America has been in the endless business of war, for almost 200 out of its 235 years of existence and almost everyone of them the US started.

This year alone, and it is a typical year, America's parliament passed a measly 30,000 new laws, that add to tens of hundreds of thousands of existing laws, in the land of the Free. This is the same nation that preaches to us, subhumans, about the needs of freedom and sets such examples to the world as 4 million in prison, more than China which has 5 times more population, and 6 million on parole. It is the same nation whose cops, in the form of SWAT teams, or military speznaz style commandos, murder their own civilians, by accident of course, on a daily basis.

Out of the American laws, there is such as thing as Blue Laws. This is a term that most Americans do not even know, but it is what happens to old or out dated laws, that is, they go out of regular usage and to pastor, to be brought out and used to destroy people's lives, on a at choice basis.

You see, dear Readers, in the land of the "Free", there are no bad laws to repeal, just to use by special choice. Lets review some of these insane laws... (by the way, they are some very funny and idiotic laws passed by the American elite. Yes the American public is guilty of them too, since they put these people into power and then did not bother to put someone else in to repeal this idiocy...it is a "democracy" after all.)

Alabama
-- It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
-- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
-- It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
-- Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
-- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
-- You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
-- Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
-- It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area.

Alaska
-- Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
-- A person may only carry a concealed slingshot if that person has received the appropriate license.
-- Persons may not allow "attractive nuisances" to exist.

Arizona
-- Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
-- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
-- It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine.
-- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses
-- It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
-- You may not have more than two dildos in a house
-- Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
-- It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
-- An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
-- It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas
-- The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock (Will the crazies in Arkansas write a fine or arrest the river? Or maybe fine God?)
-- A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
-- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
-- Honking one's car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.
-- Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
-- Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

California
-- Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. (Even in San Fransisco?)
-- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.(That is almost 500meters...must they then close all farms near churchs and schools?)
-- City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash
-- You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
-- A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
-- Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
-- It is prohibited to sleep in a parked vehicle. (This is probably so they do not have to look at all the homeless people.)
-- Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
-- One may not use one's own restroom if the window is open
-- Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
-- It is against the law to hold a private bingo game.

Colorado
-- One may not mutilate a rock in a state park
-- Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
-- It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
-- Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited.
-- To own a dog over three months of age, one must obtain a license.
-- Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them.
-- Couches may not be placed on outside porches.
-- It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
-- The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for threeconsecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
-- You may not drive a black car on Sundays
-- It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
-- It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
-- Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight
-- It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope.

Connecticut
-- It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades
-- It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
-- Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display
-- You may not educate dogs. (Yes, first they learn to read, then they rebel)
-- It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
-- It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
-- It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer

Delaware
-- It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
-- No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle.
-- On Halloween, children may only "trick-or-treat" from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM, and if Halloween falls on a Sunday, they must "trick-or-treat" on October 30 during this same time interval.
-- No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk.
-- Alcohol may not be served in nightclubs if dancing is occurring on the premises at the same time

Florida
-- The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.
-- Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence.
-- Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
-- A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
-- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle (Thus ended the Pachyderm driving craze).
-- It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit
-- Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (And only pleasurable for Masochists, of which Florida seems to have a problem.)
-- It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
-- When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
-- You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.
-- It is considered an offense to shower naked.
-- You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
-- You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Georgia
-- While Georgia operates its own lottery, it "protects" its citizens by making it illegal to promote a private lottery.
-- All sex toys are banned.
-- It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
-- Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
-- No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (This is seems to occur in multiple states)
-- All citizens must own a rake.
-- If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM.
-- Though being forced to close your business is bad enough, Athens-Clarke County forces one to obtain a license before holding a Going-Out-Of-Business sale.
-- Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM.
-- On Mondays, it is illegal for one to whistle very loud after 11:00 PM.

Hawaii
-- All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
-- Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

Idaho
-- Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. (wow, so how fat are the sweethearts in Idaho?)
-- You may not fish on a camel's back. (there are camels in Idaho???)
-- Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
-- Dirt may not be swept from one�s house into the street
-- A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. (There is something very Clockwork Orange about that)

Illinois
-- You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person
-- You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
-- The English language is not to be spoken.
-- One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. (umm.....aaa...ok)
-- All businesses entering into contracts with the city of Chicago must sift through their records and report any business they had dealing with slaves during the era of slavery.
-- Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire
-- Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
-- Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
-- It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog.
-- It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. (fire of the automobile?)

So, do they really hate you for your "freedoms"?

PS: Thank you www.dumblaws.com

Stanislav Mishin

The article appears in full on the author's blog, Mat Rodina

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